Australia Jokes, Tales and Stories for March

Complete darkness and the power went off! ‘Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.’ Belinda said, and headed for the door. ‘Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?’ I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, ‘Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.’ Before I could shout ‘NOOOO!’ she disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me … half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite ‘Hi, how’s it going’ type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible ‘Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.’ ‘You bet, take care’ Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, ‘Oh I am sooo sorry!’ The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?’

And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps….”

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said ‘Case Dismissed!!’.

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11-year-old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong? 

He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An ID Ten T error? What’s that?  In case I need to fix it again.’

Richard grinned.  ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”

No,’ I replied. ‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’  

So I wrote down:       I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, ‘Son, how old are you?’
‘Eight’, the boy replied.
The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’
The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.
Right now, he can’t do none of those’.

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries an Australian dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie,
“The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here,
OK?”
Then the farmer leaves for the fields.   
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,”This is the one … right here.”
Terribly impressed by what he thought just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks,
“Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?”
That’s simple. By the nail over its stall”, Maggie explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, “What’s the nail for?”
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,
“I guess it’s to hang your trousers on.”

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the Easter & Passover holy days. 
He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. 
The argument was it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized day(s).
The case was brought before a judge. 
After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, ‘Case dismissed.’

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, ‘Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? 
The Christians have Christmas, Easter, etc..  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashanah, and Hanukkah. Yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.’

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, ‘But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant..’
The lawyer said, ‘Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.’

The judge said, ‘The calendar shows April 1st is ‘April Fools Day.’
Psalm 14:1 states:  ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’
Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool.
Therefore, April 1st is his day.  Court is adjourned.

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.  He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on..  The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, “Fair’s fair.  Here’s your money.”

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money.  I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied, “I did too, but didn’t think he’d do it again.”

Bob took the money…

Heal the Sick

Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on tv…

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the tv and the other on the body part they wanted healed…

Grandma hobbled to the tv and put one hand on the tv and the other on her arthritic hip..

Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the tv and the other on his crotch…

Grandma looked at him with disgust: “you just don’t understand, you old coot… The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead…

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. 
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. 

Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. 

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. 

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. 🙂
‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
You’ve done very well so far,’ said, Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, ‘but for a million pounds you’ve only got one lifeline left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question……will you go for it?’
‘Sure, ‘said Mick. ‘I’ll have a go!’

‘Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?’
A : Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo

I haven’t got a clue,’ said Mick, ‘so I’ll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin’.
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

‘Fer Fooksake, Mick!’ cried Paddy. ‘Dat’s simple……it’s a cuckoo.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘I’m fookin sure.’

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, ‘I’ll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.’
‘Is that your final answer?’ asked Chris
‘Dat it is, Sir.’
There was a long – long pause, then the presenter screamed, ‘Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you’ve won 1 million pounds!’

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

‘Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?
‘Because he lives in a Fookin clock!’

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist’s desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. 
He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

‘YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?’

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

‘NO , I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,  BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.’

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

  ———— ——— ———  ——— ——— ———
  
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

 ———— ——— ———  ——— ———
  
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started….

 ———— ——— ———  ——— ——— ———
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.  So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started….

  ———— ——— ———  ——— ——— ———
  
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…


  ———— ——— ———  ——— ——— ———
 
I took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

”Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

  ———— ——— ———  ——— ——— ———
 
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.  She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…..

  ———— ——— ———  ——— ——— ———
  
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold  cream.

And then the fight started….

  ———— ——— ———  ——— ——— ———
  
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.

And then the fight started…..

  ———— ——— ———  ——— ——— ———
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man,’Holy crap,that must be my husband!’

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’
The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’

And then the fight started…..

  ———— ——— ———  ——— ——— ———
  
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietlyundressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’

My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing inthat?’

And then the fight started….

  ———— ——— ———  ——— ——— ———
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.

So I suggested,”how about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started….

  ———— ——— ———  ——— ——— ———
 
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To BeA Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started….

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
     
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
      
And she was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’
      
And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.’
‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’
And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
      
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.
      
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
      
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
      
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
       
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.
      
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’
      
The husband took a quick breath and continued –  ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’

A young man named John received a parrot named ‘Chief ‘ as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite Words,  playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. 
 
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. 

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.  
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, ‘I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior. ‘  
 
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

‘May I ask what the turkey did? ‘ 

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’

The daughter replied: ‘mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. 

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: ‘What the f@!* are you doing?’

The husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’

Best ‘Out of Office’ Automatic Email Replies:

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over…)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.
A woman asks, ‘What are you?’ 
He says, ‘I’m a Fireman’ ???    
‘But you’re only wearing a glass jar?’, says the woman. 
‘Exactly!  In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I’ll come as fast as I can!’

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, ‘I have a  headache.
‘Perfect,’ her husband said.’
I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it’s up to you.’

FIRST TIME SEX …………

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never had sex before so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. ‘Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!’ The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 

10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this religious.’ The boy turns, and whispers back, ‘I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..’

Wisdom of An Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

‘Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?’

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ‘Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?’

‘I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere.’ 

A Blonde is on the bus when she suddenly realized … she needed to fart.

The music was really loud, so she started timing her farts with the beat.  
After a couple of songs, she started to feel better as she approached her stop.

As she was leaving the bus, people were really staring her down, and that’s when she remembered  
 

  ……..  she’d  been listening to her ipod. 

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with  his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
“Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.

I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. 
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. 
I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. 
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. 
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma’s minister.

The minister said, “Hello, son, is your Grandma home?” 
The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

The minister fainted.

A man enters a confessional in Ireland and says to the Priest, “Father,

It has been one month since my last confession. I’ve had s*x with Fannie Green every week for the last month.”

The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.”

Soon, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s*x

with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.”

This time the priest asks, “Who is this Fannie Green?”

“A new woman in the neighbourhood,” the sinner replies.
Very well,” says the priest. “Go and say ten ‘Hail Marys’.”

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men’s eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, “Is that Fannie Green?”

The altar boy replies, “No Father, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”

A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until The man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, But there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze – perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get “those feelings” again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear :

“Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
she agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
to keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write spaghetti” on the back.
He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
one day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “honey,” she said, “you received a very strange post card “oh, just give it to me and i’ll explain it,” he said.
the wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: “spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. two with meatballs, one without.”

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one
was already occupied.

So I entered the other one, closed the door, Dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me:
“Hello mate, how are you going?”

I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied
“Yeah, not too bad thanks.”

After a short pause, I heard the voice again
“So, what are you up to mate?”

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said.
Unsure what to say, I replied

“Umm, just having a quick poo… How about yourself?”

I then heard the voice for the third time ……
“Sorry mate, I’ll have to call you back . I’ve got some `D**khead`
in the loo next to me answering everything I say.”

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. 
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.  
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. 
He put on his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
“I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary.  
We had sex all afternoon.”
She looked down at his shoes and said: 
“You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

A mortician was working late one night.    
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and  made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.  
It must be saved for posterity.”

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
“I have something to show you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
“My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead!”

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. “Certainly, Sir , that’ll be one cent.”
“One Cent?” the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”
“A nickel,” the barman replied.
“A nickel?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The bartender replied: “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man asked: “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The bartender replied: “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a
camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, “Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ‘urges’.
That’s why we have the camel.”

The Captain says, “I can’t say that I condone this, but I understand
about urges, so the camel can stay.”

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he’s done, he asks the Sergeant, “Is that how the men do it?”

“No, not really, sir…They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.”

A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem:

The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
“Look, it’s not the same hat!” or,
“Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” or
“Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the! ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea,
as fate would have it … with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day… and then 2 days … and then 3 days
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ……
“OK, I give up. Where’s the f**kin’ ship?”

Two nuns were travelling by car in Transalvania.
Suddenly a horrible Dracula Demon leapt onto the car and began hissing at them.
The driver turned on the wipers but couldn’t dislodge the demon, who kept hissing.
The the nun said “Try the windscreen washers, I filled them myself with Holy Water”
The water was squirted and the demon screamed as it burnt him but he stayed there hissing at them.
“Show him your cross” said the driver “That always sends them away”
So the other nun rolled down the window, stuck her head out and shouted

“Hey shit-face!!! Get the f–k off my car!!!!!

On the first day

(I know people who are in the final category!)

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

“Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. 
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
“Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?”

And God agreed. 

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
“You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s
family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Hill billy went into a lawyer and said he wanted to get one of the day-vorces.
Lawyer – Do you have any grounds?
H B – yYes, 40 acres
Lawyer – Do you have a suit?
H B – Yep ah gotta suit, ah wear it in church on Sundays.
Lawyer – No, no, do you have a case?
H B -No I aint but ah gotta John Deere.
Lawyer – I mean do you have a grudge?
H B – Yes ah gotta grudge, thats where i park John Deere.
Lawyer – Does your wife beat you up or something?
H B – No we both get up at 4-30
Lawyer – Is your wife a nagger?
H B – No, she’s a white girl but our last child was a nagger and that’s why I want a day-vorce.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

“Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely……

A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a Length Of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the Chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s bike, The chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,

And the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented:

Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his rather large Penis and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

When You’re Hung Like A Horse, You Don’t Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
“What setting  do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”

And they say blondes are dumb…

A Married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,” he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are.”

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently.

Up to 60.

“I want the car, too,” he continues.

65 mph.

“And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!”

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her: “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. “No,

I’ve got everything I need,” she says.

“Oh, really,” he inquires, “So what have you got?”

Just before they slam into the wall at 70 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.

“The airbag.”

Moral of the Story: Women are clever bitches. Don’t mess with them.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going  to make you the happiest woman in the world.” The woman replies, “I’ll miss you…”

“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “honey, what do  you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals”

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

Away out in the west the sheriff rides up to the saloon, dismounts, strides through the
batwing doors up to the bar, and announces to all and sundry:

“Ah’m lookin fer the brown paper kid”

The honky-tonk piano falls silent. A deathly hush falls over the bar. You could hear a
pin drop. Then from somewhere near the back of the room comes a voice:

“What’s he wanted fer?”

“Russlin”.

In an Irish bar one night, there was a competition to see who could give the best toast.

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast
of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and
the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. 

Then: 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%  

and 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% 

But, 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% 

And, 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% 

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”

The blonde quickly responded, “How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?”

He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it? The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those ‘dumb blonde’ jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” the husband asked.

“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

A blonde walks into an HBUS branch in New York city and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to her new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and it officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

Te blonde replied, 
“Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”

Rules of Life

Sometimes we just need to remember just what the Rules of Life really are….

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape .

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship “I apologize” and “You are right.”

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, “Go! You might meet somebody!”

 7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her… Believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, “Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?”

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it’s not that important.

13. And finally… Be really nice to your friends….You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

There were two blonde fellas working for the city council, one would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what’s the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again.” (are you ready for this???……… )

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, ” Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the bloke who plants the trees is sick today……”

Worms

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol – dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke – dead.
Third worm in sperm – dead.
Fourth worm in soil – alive.

Lesson:
As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won’t get worms.

3 Dogs

Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, “So why are you here?”
The Boxer replies, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything – the sofa, the  cat, the kid. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the  middle of my owner’s bed.”
The Doberman says, “So what is the vet going to do?”
“Lethal injection” came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, “Why are you here?”
The Lab says, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees 
I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my  owner’s couch.”
 “So what are they going to do to you?” the Doberman inquired.
“Lethal injection,” the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he’s at the vet’s office for. “I’m a humper,” the Doberman says. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump – everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.”
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, 
“So, lethal injection for you too, huh?”

 “No, no,” the Doberman says, “I’m here to get my nails clipped.”

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They’re the only Culture some people have.
15. MONDAY is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It’ll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…
23. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
31. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
32. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
33. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
34. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
35. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
36. If the early bird catches the worm, what’s the worms incentive to get up early?

Perfect breasts (o)(o)
Fake silicone breasts ( + )( + )
Perky breasts (*)(*)
Big nipple breasts (@)(@)
A cups o o
D cups { O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts (oYo)
Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts (o)(O)
Pierced Breasts (Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)
Grandma’s Breasts \ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( )
Android Breasts | o | | o |
Martha Stewart’s Breasts ($)($)

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

JEFF KENNETT: If the chicken did cross the road it should have been fitted with an etag and should pay the same toll as all other road users.

STEVE BRACKS: Regional chickens should have the same opportunities to cross roads as chickens living in Melbourne.

JOHN HOWARD: The chick never crossed the road. And it was not forcibly removed from its mother! Anyway, that’s a matter for the states and is of no interest to us. The united nations should butt out.

KIM BEASLEY: There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the road. This is a deliberate act by the government to hide the fact that chickens continue to cross Australian roads.

NATASHA STOTT-DESPOJA: What if it was not a chicken but a bantam? Minority sectors of our community shouldn’t be discriminated against based purely on the size of their legs.

EVELYN SCOTT: To demonstrate a commitment to reconciliation with Indigenous chickens.

PETER COSTELLO: Accordingly to documentation submitted to the Live Foods Processing Authority, the chicken in question was uncooked at the Time of its journey and therefore will not incur a GST charge. However, if that chicken actually crossed the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing would be considered by the ATO to be a service for which GST will be imposed.

PAULINE HANSON: Please explain.

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you’re telling me?

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed and that was good enough for us.

REV FRED NILE: Because the chicken is gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the ‘other side’. That’s what ‘they call it: the ‘other side’ Yes, my friends.

CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: to boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. 
How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it’s true?

HANSIE CRONJE: What if I could guarantee that it won’t get to the other side?

FREUD: the fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. 
How do you feel about your mother?

THE C.I.A: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. 
What do you mean by chicken? 
Could you define the word ‘chicken’.

LITTLE BILLY ON …GETTING OLDER

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.”
Little BILLY replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
“Oh?” replied the man. ” Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
“No” replied Little Billy, “he minded his own fucking business!!”

LITTLE BILLY ON…PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”
She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then little BILLY says, “I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.” To which Little BILLY replied,

“The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on’, but I like your thinking.”

LITTLE BILLY ON…MATH:

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. “Why?” asks the father.”
“The teacher asked, ‘How much is 2×3?’ I said 6,” replied BILLY.
“But that’s right!” says his dad.
“Yeah, but then she asked me, ‘How much is 3×2?'”
“What’s the fucking difference? ” asks the father.
“That’s what I said!”

LITTLE BILLY ON…ENGLISH:

Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”
BILLY says ” Mas-tur-bate.”
Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little BILLY, that’s a mouthful.”
Little BILLY says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

LITTLE BILLY ON…GRAMMAR:

Little BILLY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,” Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”Miss Jones replied, “Now, BILLY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate’. Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go.” Little BILLY thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a TEN!”

LITTLE BILLY ON ….GRAMMAR:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”
“Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.”
The teacher responded, “Excellent, Michael!” Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.
“Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said “Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!”

The first Blonde GUY joke …. .  

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”

The blond opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his
lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again! !”

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she said, “He makes his own lunch.”

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi. He thinks he’ll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, “Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles? 
“The rabbi says, “We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle.”
The kid says, “And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?” 
The rabbi says, “We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls.” 
The kid says, “And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions? 
“The rabbi says, “We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like YOU.”

1. What’s the best form of birth control after 50?
* Nudity

2. What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
* 45 lbs.

3. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
* 45 minutes.

4. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
* None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

5. What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
* Through his chest with a sharp knife.

6. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
* Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.

7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
* They can’t stand criticism.

8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
* Because those men already have boyfriends.

9. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
* After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
* The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

11. What do you call a smart blonde?
* A golden retriever.

12. Why does the bride always wear white?
* Because it’s good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

13. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
* The blonde, because she’s 18.

14. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
* Ask your dad.

15. What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s restroom?
* Say, “Nice Dick.”

16. Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?
* Because they have cotton balls.

17. What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
* A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

18. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
 “Are you sure it’s mine?”

19. What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
* Beer Nuts are over $1 and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

20. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
* Mace will do that to you.

21. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?
* Divorce proceedings most likely.

22. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
* Everyone has the same DNA.

23. Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
* They named him Sum Ting Wong.

24. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
* A speech impediment.

25. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
* They’re hiring.

26. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
* Breasts don’t have eyes.

27. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
* Because they’re not going to work in the future either.

28. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
* He walks around saying “Yo.”

29. What do you call an New Zealand farmer with a sheep under each arm?
* A Pimp.

30. Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
* Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

31. What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
* A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

32. How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say Fuck?”
* Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell “Bingo.”

33. What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
* Row, row, row your boat.

34. What’s the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
* A Northern fairy tale begins “Once upon a time.” A Southern fairy tale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.”

Things guys should know about girls:

1. Don’t ever lie to us; we always find out.
2. Don’t say you understand when you don’t.
3. Girls are pretty, but yours is ALWAYS the Prettiest!
4. You don’t have PMS; don’t fuckin act like you know what it’s like.
5. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe.
6. It’s good to be sensitive, sometimes.
7. If you did something wrong or even if you didn’t, apologize.
8. We are self-conscious by nature; we can’t help it.
9. We are DrAmA queens.
10. Fashion police do exist.
11. We absolutely DO NOT care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball, or anything else you and your friends talk about… in other words shut the fuck up
12. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
13. Don’t make bets about us; we will always find out.
14. Shave; no matter how cool you think your goatee or beard or mustache looks, we always hate it.
15. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emitt other strange gases from your body, it isnt, so DONT..
16. Don’t compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson’s; hers are fake, just remember that. ( u have a better shot at ours than you ever will with hers, you may as well give it up now)
17. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
18. We are beautiful at all times.
19. We will always think we are fat, so humor us and tell us we aren’t.
20. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why the hell can’t you piss in the toilet and not on it.
21. Be Quiet, listen don’t act like U care when u don’t cos we’re not that stupid
22. Always do as the girl wants sometimes we are in desperate situations that make us ask for help 
23. Be there at all times never back out on someone you love even if your homeboys want you to stay with em choose your girl .
24. Most importantly: we are always right; so don’t forget it.

A Wee Bit of Gaelic Tact

John O’Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O’Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening, “Here’s To The Best Years of Me Life, Spent Between The Legs of Me Wife.”

When John O’Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, “I won the contest for the best toast of the evening.” His wife then asked him what his toast was and he said, “Here’s To The Best Years of me Life, Spent in Church with me Wife.”

His wife then said, “Why John, that’s so nice of you to include me in your Toast.”

The next morning, Mrs. O’Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O’Riley. He said, “Hello Mrs. O’Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize”.

“Yes, that’s right,” said Mrs. O’Riley, “but he wasn’t quite honest with the facts: he’s only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

The Land of Oz . . .

WE, the people of the broad brown Land of Oz, wish to be recognized as a free nation of blokes, and Sheilas .. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we’re divided into many States.

First, there’s Victoria, named after a queen who didn’t believe in  lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, café latte,  grand final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it’s “liveable”. At least that’s what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there’s NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,  thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world, and is proud of it.

Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can’t seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation, where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn’t have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts, and many of  them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet, and its creek beds have the highest aluminum content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centerpiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there’s Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes, and there’s Canberra. The less said the better…..

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by  murder.

We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate  for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials  tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.

We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament while bloody Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and run the whole country.

Not that we’re whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make “no worries mate” our national phrase, “she’ll be right  mate” our national attitude, and “Waltzing Matilda” our national anthem (so what if it’s about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who’s winning in the same breath.

And we’re the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing.

We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. 
And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we’re better than the Kiwis.

Magic toilet paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that that wasn’t the case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
“How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.
The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”
He shrugged and said, “Worked for your bum, didn’t it?”
He lived, and with extensive therapy, he may even walk again.

Here you go, all the “codes” for the profiles…just what we need to know!

WOMEN’S ADS
40-ish………………….     49
Adventurer……………   Slept with all your friends
Athletic………………..    No tits
Average looking………Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful……………….    Pathological liar
Contagious Smile……..Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated………………..  Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure…..Medicated
Feminist………………..    Fat ballbuster
Free spirit……………..    Junkie
Friendship first……..    Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun…………………….       Annoying
Gentle………………….      Comatose
Good Listener………..   Borderline Autistic
New-Age……………….   All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned…………  Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded………….  Desperate
Outgoing……………….   Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate……………    Sloppy drunk
Poet……………………       Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional…………..   Certified Bitch
Redhead……………….    Bad dye-job
Reubenesque………….  Grossly Fat
Romantic………………     Looks better by candle light 
Social………………….      Has been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray
Voluptuous…………….  Very Fat
Weight proportion 
w/height..                     Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate……..  Stalker
Widow…………………..   Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart……….   Old bat

MEN’S ADS
40-ish…………….            52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic………….           Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking…..    Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated…………..        Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit………..          Banging your sister
Friendship first….        As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun………………….          Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking………      Arrogant
Very good looking….. Dumb as a board
Honest……………..         Pathological Liar
Huggable…………..        Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle……       Insecure mama’s boy
Mature…………….           Older than your father
Open-minded………       Wants to sleep with your roommate but she’s not interested
Physically fit……..         Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet………………              Wrote ex-girlfriend’s # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive………….           Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive….           Gay
Spiritual………….            Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable…………….            Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful……….         Says “Excuse me” when he farts

The First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child “Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.” Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?”

The wife smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time”

The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:

Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! “I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.” And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home

The first person he showed was his wife. “I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase. “Oh, my God!” she screamed, “Schwartz is dead!”

The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said. “Stand in the corner” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered.” Just pretend you’re a statue.” “What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smith’s bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too.”

 No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. “Here,” he said to the ‘statue,’ “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”

The Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. “Certainly, sir. That’ll be 1 cent.” “ONE CENT!” exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, “Yes.” So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?” “Certainly, sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”  “How much money?” inquires the guy. “Four cents,” he replies. “FOUR cents!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?” The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.” The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?” The bartender replies, “Same as I’m doing to his business.”

The Fifth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, “My darling Becky,” he whispered. “Hush, my love,” she said. “Rest. Shhh, don’t talk.” He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice, “I have something I must confess to you.” “There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky. “Everything’s all right. Go to sleep.” “No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!” “I know,” Becky whispered softly. “That’s why I poisoned you.”

The Sixth Affair

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends’ home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms – Honey, My Love, Darling, sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names”
The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said, “I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. 
At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have s*x with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. 
He then offers to pay Her $200 for the deed. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. 
The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. 
She figures in for a penny in for a pound – and it was fantastic the night before – so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights. 
On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. 
Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. 
She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.
“So am I” she says.
“What suburb in Melbourne?”
“Glen Iris” he says.
“That’s amazing” she says, “so am I – what street?”
“Cameo street” he says.”
“This is unbelievable” she says, “what number?”
He says “Number 20” and she is astonished.
“You are not going to believe this” she says, 
“I’m from number 22 and my parents still live there!”
“I know” he says “your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!”
He who drinks Australian – thinks Australian!

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.

“I’ll be right back and we’ll go to eat,” she told her husband and carried the coin laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard.

Both were black. One of them was tall…very tall…an Intimidating figure.

The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don’t be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilised her.

She stood and stared at the two men.

She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn’t read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now.

Her face was flushed. She couldn’t just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn’t move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I’m trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, “Hit the floor.” Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, “Maam, if you’ll just tell us what floor you’re going to, we’ll push the button.”

The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up.

Confused, she struggled to her feet.

“When I told my friend here to hit the floor,” said the average sized one, “I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn’t mean for you to hit the floor, maam.” He spoke genially. He bit his lip.

It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I’ve made of myself.

She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologise to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you?

She didn’t know what to say.

The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.

At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room – a dozen roses.

Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: “Thanks for the best laugh we’ve had in years.”

It was signed:

Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001):

WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers.

He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.

His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: “George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn’t say anything. “He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself.”

A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.

You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.

And the moral of the story: 
Don’t work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.

A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, “What the heck am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.”

She did and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!”

The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women will flock to him.”

The woman replied, ” That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman, and he will only have eyes for me.”
So, KAZAM – she became the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you.”

The woman said, ” That’s okay because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM she became the richest woman in the world!

The frog asked her what she would like for her third wish. She said, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.

The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said. “Stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this, Honey?” the husband inquired, as he entered the room.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’., “Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.”

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, “And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?”

Mr. Johnson replies, “I feel just fine, Doc. But you know, it’s the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!”

The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man’s son, and the son’s wife answers.

The doctor tells her, “Mrs. Johnson, I’m a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on…”

Mrs. Johnson yells, “STEVEN! Dad’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Johnny’s mom was out of town for a week. When she got home, Johnny greeted her and said, “You know, two days ago, Mrs. Brown came to visit. She and Daddy had a candlelight dinner together, then Daddy brought some champagne and they had a drink, and then they went upstairs to the bedroom, and then they… “

“Stop, Johnny, wait until your father gets home, and then repeat your story,” his mother said.

When the father came home, Johnny started again, “Two days ago, Mrs. Brown came to visit. She and Daddy had a candlelight dinner together, then Daddy brought some champagne and they had a drink, and then they went upstairs to the bedroom, and then they.”

“Then they WHAT, Johnny?” his mother asked, hurt and angry. “And then they started doing the same thing you and Mr. Smith always do when Dad’s out of town.”

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God!!?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing – and they think WE did it!”

A Bad Day

There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. 
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison…”

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT AT THE OFFICE AREN’T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMMMMMM, I think it’s out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It’s an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office it isn’t:

1. It’s not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN LAW AREN’T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counsellor, let’s do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

 And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn’t

1. Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN’T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn’t:

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first !

Eleanor Roosevelt wrote:

Many people will walk in and out of your life,
But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
He who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
Friends, you and me…. You brought another friend….
And then there were 3.
We started our group…. Our circle of friends….
And like that circle….There is no beginning or end..
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift.

Subject: Who is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt!” Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.

The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the

Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them.

Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

Statistically,
100% of all divorces started with marriage!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don’t like to interrupt her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men die before their wives?
Cause they want to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman and said,
“I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looked at him and said,
“God, I wish I had your willpower.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classified:
“Wife wanted.”
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

The Carjacking

Submitted by: Leeara Ontario

An elderly woman did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, “I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad. The woman, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail.

And then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant, to whom she told the story, nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

I Need A Doctor

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right Honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.”

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”

Hmmmm…. this could affect my coke drinking habits …

Subject: Coke vs Water – WOW

We all know that water is important but I’ve never seen it written down like this before.

75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half world pop.)

In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it isoften mistaken for hunger.

Even MILD dehydration will slow down one’s metabolism as much as3%.

One glass of water shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.

Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.

Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

COCA-COLA

1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and…….Let the “real thing” sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, Remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for sumptuous brown gravy.

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, And run through a regular cycle.

The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.

3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

Still Want To Drink Up?

Sincerely, Lisa Finstein

Believe in yourself and in your dream

though impossible things may seem, someday, somehow you’ll get through to the goal you have in view.

Mountains fall and seas divide before the one who in his stride takes a hard road day by day, sweeping obstacles away

Believe in yourself and in your plan, say not – I cannot – but, I can.

The prizes of life we fail to win because we doubt the power within.

Author – unknown

On A Plane

On a plane bound for New York a flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m blonde; I’m beautiful; I’m going to New York; and I’m not moving.”

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde; I’m beautiful; I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.”

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself,

“Why didn’t someone just say so?”

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”

Why Do You Do That?

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
“Why do you do that, Mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny.
 “Giving up?”.